hownowbrownseacow:

rosiebeck:

nxv:

primisthebomb:

I THREW A GRAPE IN THE AIR TO CATCH IT IN MY MOUTH BUT IT WENT TOO HIGH AND HIT THE CEILING AND THERE WAS A SPIDER THERE AND THE SPIDER FELL AND SO DID THE GRAPE AND THEY BOTH LANDED ON MY FACE AND I STILL HAVEN’T STOPPED SCREAMING

i read the first line in my head in the tune of call me maybe im so stupid

I threw a grape in the air
I went to catch it I swear
It hit a spider that fell
and now they’re on my face

Fantastic.

(via moistpits)

lolsebastian69:

so i took a thermometer and went to the bathroom and stood in front of the toilet with the thermometer in my hands and screamed and then yelled “i’m pregnant” in exasperation so my mom came running and snatched the thermometer from my hands and then she realized it was a thermometer

(via moistpits)

thepottergeist:

madcenturion:

madcenturion:

If you think about it, the process of singing the birthday song and cutting the cake is extremely satanic

no but seriously imagine it this way

a small gathering of people huddle around a object on fire, chanting ritualistically a repetitive song in unison until the fire is blown out and a knife is stabbed into the object

you must be fun at parties

(Source: fowlls, via moistpits)

blein:

sO my friend’s dog died and she lives in new york city and so she had to take it to the vet by the subway and she put the dead dog in the suitcase on the subway and it was a pretty big dog and some dude saw that she was struggling with the suitcase so he asked if she needed help with it and he said do you mind me asking what’s in it and she didnt want to say a dead dog so shE SAID IT WAS A BUNCH OF LAPTOPS SO HE TOOK THE SUITCASE AND RAN AND I JUST 

(via dogesexual)

letterstogodptiii:

tea-books-and-blankets:

yaygocats:

discomplete:

“i want to wear shorts because it’s hot but i really hate my legs” an autobiography

“I want to wear shorts but i didnt shave” the sequel.

“I want to wear shorts but I don’t tan and I’d rather not blind you” The trilogy 

“I want to wear shorts but my huge dick always sticks out” a pop-up book

(via darth-sayder)

fupaccino:

downtherabbittthole:

if ur ever sad just remember that this nun looks like Josh Hutcherson

YO THERE’S SPIT ALL OVER MY LAPTOP SCREEN 

(via borinq)

awkwardvagina:

one time my friend asked me to make a playlist for a road trip because their car radio didnt work so i made one that consisted of 14 different versions of party in the usa and long story short im not trusted with bringing music anymore

(via thetumblr-thisisatumblr)